I used to worry about my mental health
I beat myself up regularly because I couldn’t stick to my habits and positive initiatives. Some days I was ‘no sugar, 30 minute workout, morning meditation, and green juice’ and then 2 weeks would pass and I was an unrecognizable, tv bingeing, laying in a dark room all weekend, trying to get by on the bare minimum it took to keep my kids fed and placated so I didn’t have to leave the apartment. I was a single mother, I knew I needed healthy habits and I REALLY beat myself up over not having them.
This isn’t even mentioning the relationship turmoil. Remember those kids that only lived with their mommy? I can remember the flip flopping nature of my holiday activity engagement while a single mother. If Easter fell on a good week for me, it was ‘hand painted eggs!’ and if it didn’t…well, the girls were lucky if I even acknowledged the holiday, let alone colored eggs with them.
I couldn’t keep up the same pace and show up the same way all the time.
This is why I used to worry about my mental health. I was 100% dedicated to my positive healthy habits such as goal setting, intention setting, manifesting, and bullet journaling.
I would go all in and announce to myself and the world that I would do these things forever more and then…
…the bullet journal gets thrown across the room and I head straight to my bed to put my head under the covers and drown out my 4 year olds’ screams. My kids, my friends, my support network, and all of my relationships were impacted by how I did and didn’t show up for them and the wild fluctuations between times.
The worst part? I beat myself up over this. I thought I was sick, inconsistent, a loser and never going to follow through with anything.
These days, my kids are heading into middle school, I will probably dye some Easter eggs with them this weekend and the lows aren’t quite as low.
There isn’t a nice and neatly packaged turning point here. There wasn’t one specific moment that I realized and transformed and changed.
Over the past 6 years I have a built a practice that supports and sustains me. My relationships, my work habits, my health habits, and yes…my kids all benefit from this better balanced version of myself.
Menstrual Cycle Awareness is the self care practice that changed my life. It wasn’t a course I took or a book I read. (Although I have book and course recommendations if you are interested) but it was the gradual practice of accepting, learning, and trusting my cycle wisdom.
I’ll tell you more about that transition soon. Today, I wanted to take this first step and share this darker part of the story with you. If you are fluctuating in the same or similar ways as I’ve described above, don’t beat yourself up.
You are a cyclical being. A beautiful cyclical being. Thank you for reading the beginning of my story.